Honorable baseball gods, we, the people of the baseball jury, in light of their most recent offenses, do hereby find the defendants guilty of dream-killing in the first degree.
Convictions and sentencing is as follows:
The St. Louis Cardinals organization:
- For the defeat of the miserable Detroit Tigers, who brought hope to a sports city with nothing to look forward to, on October 27, 2006: guilty of unintentional destruction of a city’s hopes
- For the defeat of the Milwaukee Brewers, another sorry franchise looking for a chance to win a championship, on October 16, 2011: guilty of sending an organization to its doom and obstructing another Nyjer Morgan rant and subsequent antics
- For the defeat of the Texas Rangers, still recovering from a Series loss a season ago and still in search of their first championship, on October 28, 2011: guilty of overly-dramatic baseball resulting in the wrong winner
- For the defeat of the Washington Nationals, formerly known as the Montreal Expos, considered one of the sorriest franchises in baseball history, on October 12, 2012: guilty of winning too much too recently since last Series victory versus a team who never can win, and for additionally bringing despair to a city of troubled fans
Sentence: Mandatory weekly seminars on how to not be successful when you’re playing with a loaded deck (presented by Miley Cyrus)
Cardinals Third Baseman David Freese:
- For multiple counts of heroics: guilty of using storybook tactics to defeat storybook stories
- For multiple counts of being involved in improbable comebacks: guilty of stunning innumerable fans
- And let’s just chuck in his DUI while we’re on the subject
Sentence: “How to be a Cinderella Man” counseling with Dr. Marshall Mathers a.k.a Eminem. While he’s very angry about something. Also he’s from Detroit and has a Tigers tattoo. Better not wear any Cardinals gear to those sessions.
All Cardinals players with a roster spot from October 27, 2006-October 13, 2012 (excluding any who may have faced St. Louis in the postseason while on a different team at some time during the years 2006, 2011, or 2012):
- For defeating multiple underdog teams and ending multiple storybook seasons, and thereby interfering with the best possible postseason baseball for fans of already-eliminated teams: guilty of winning too much
Sentence: Write a 150 page research paper on the Mitchell Report
The organizations of the San Francisco Giants and New York Yankees:
- For conspiring to keep all of the three previous World Series Champions in the postseason (Philadelphia Phillies being absolved due to the fact that they are plain awful): guilty of consolidating baseball success
Sentence: Pending result of 2012 World Series. In other words…….